FB Status Update: Booty Bumping

I was reading an e-book in my car when all of a sudden my whole car started to shake.

My first reaction was, “Oh sh*t, earthquake!!!”

Then I realized I’m in Texas and Texans don’t do earthquakes, we do tornadoes and hail.

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw this mini-van all up against my rear bumper.

“Oh great, someone just booty bumped me. Well their loss is my gain. Either we settle with cash or I’m going to get myself a brand new rear bumper.”

I wait until they park. No way am I endangering my life by walking out there while they’re still behind the wheel.

If they can’t avoid my Toyota Matrix, what makes you think they’ll avoid me?

I wait … they drive up a lil’ and I noticed it’s an Asian lady.

I wait even more … she backs up again.

“Are you serious? Do you want bump me again? Is this a game to you, you sick Asian lady?”

This time she manages not to hit me, and I realize the only reason she reversed again was to survey the damage.

She has the nerve to check out my damaged goods. Apparently she doesn’t see any real damage done and about to speed away.

I realized, “Oh crap!!! She’s going to make a getaway. If I’m ever going to make her responsible, I’d better get out now.”

Despite knowing exactly what to do, I didn’t do it. I stayed in my car and watched her go.

Here is the reason why:

A long time ago, when I was really young, unapologetically stupid, and extremely good looking. When all I ever did was drugs and sleep around with amazingly good-looking super-models.

I think it was about two weekends ago …

I too was a hit-and-runner. I was making a turn and scratched the side of my Toyota Matrix against the rear bumper of a huge truck. Of course the truck was un-damaged.

I could’ve left a note, but I didn’t. I was too scared. I just surveyed the damage like the Asian Lady and made a run for it. Lucky for me no one was around.

Perhaps this is karma. Now I know how it feels to have somebody ram their thing up my rear.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, I tell you!

Well at least I’ve finally found my closure. I can finally move on with my life now.

#NotEveryoneEnjoysItUpTheRear
#KarmaReallyDoesExistExclamationPoint
#LateNightConfessionsWithThao
#OfficiallyTraumatizedFromDriving
#CarsShouldHaveDiapersToProtectTheirRearsFromAccidents

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