How To NOT Pickup A Girl

I went to the club this past weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday party.  The club had Far East Movement deejaying that night, so it was really packed.

Everyone in my friend’s group got drinks, including a Long Island Tea for me.  It was my first Long Island and it reminded of a vietnamese drink called chanh muoi or “salty lemon drink”.

Well I got drunk off that one drink, danced my butt off for like 15-20 mins and then I crashed and burn.  By crash and burn, I mean I had no more stamina or energy to keep on dancing.  Maybe it’s my age.

Regardless, I stood in the back of the audience that was crowding the stage where Far East Movement was singing.   My goal was to stay away from my friend’s group because I knew two things would happen if I got close …

#1.  If I’m with them, I will get pulled into their dancing mob which I had no more energy to do.
#2.  I will get pressured into drinking more which will literally cause me to black out or puke.

So I’m leaning on the wall, slowly recovering when I notice a cute girl stand a couple of feet to my side.  She looked like she worked there because she was wearing all black and she looked sober.

I was thinking to myself, “I’m not 100% conscious, but I feel like I should say something flirty to her.”  Well, I don’t know how long it took for me to finish my thoughts, but she decided to move from my right side to a few feet in front of me but facing towards the stage.  (So from my 3 o’clock to my 11 o’clock)

After a moment, instead of peering at the stage she even look back my direction but not at me.  I’m telling myself, “OMG, this is like a sign from above.  She thinks I’m HOT!  But what if you’re reading all these signs wrong?  Ahhhhhhhh … make-up your mind man!”

Well, of course she decides to move on and now I’m stuck there angrily bickering with myself for letting an opportunity like that go away.  I then made the following commitment to myself, “If whenever a girl puts herself out there like that, the least you can do is put yourself out there.  One bold move on there side, deserves one bold move on your side.”

So after recovering from my buzz for another 10-15 at the exact same spot, the same cute girl walks by and stands in the exact same spot as before.  (My 11 o’lock)

In my head I’m like, “It’s go time man!  This is it.  Quick, come up with something that is charming, romantic, catchy, funny, intelligent, and adorable … all at the same time.”  After a good 15-30 seconds passes by, I notice she starts to walk away, I tell myself, “Shit!  Still can’t think of anything charming to say to her.  Screw it … just say anything!”

So I tap her on her shoulder and she turns around.

I ask her, “Do you work here?”
And she said, “What?”

(I guess the music was too loud so she couldn’t hear me.)

I put my arm around her, pull her in, and scream into her ears, “DO YOU WORK HERE?”
She said, “Yeah!”

This is usually the point at which one inserts a really catchy pick-up line to sweep her off her feet.

Instead, this is what I had to say next:
Me, “Do you know what time the club closes tonight?”
She responds, “At 2 o’clock”
Me, “Thank you very much!”

I don’t think there was a mirror around, but I swear this is how my face looked like after realizing what I just said …

So much for sweeping her off her feet.  I’m not even sure if I even left an impression with her.

I scolded myself, “Why would you ask a question to something you already know?”


At least ask her about something that you don’t have an answer to.  Something like …

  • Do you have a boyfriend?
  • What’s your favorite color?
  • We should go out sometime … yeah? yeah?


Well, another life experience to tuck under my belt.

In the meantime, I should be brainstorming some catchy pick-up lines!
Any guys out there have some I could borrow?
Any girls out there have any they’ve heard that are just as lame as mine?

Would love to hear from you guys.

(My scumbag brain never delivers when I need it to!)



One thought on “How To NOT Pickup A Girl

  1. Le says:

    Lol no such thing as a “pick up line” if they’re into you no matter what you say it’ll be funny/cute to them and if they’re not into you no matter what you say it’ll come off as creepy.

    But a good way to start a conversation is to compliment her smile or outfit and then introduce yourself or ask her “do you like Far East movement?” Since they were playing.

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