Online Dating: Why I’m A Sociopath

I was talking to my cousin TA about online dating and how unsuccessful I’ve been at it.  She asked me how I approached these girls.

I told her, “Well since there’s like 50 million different profiles … I’ll chose like maybe 20-30 girls that I think are cute.  Then I come up with a great one-liner that will capture their hearts.  Something like, ‘Wow you are so beautiful.  We should go grab coffee sometime.  How does that sound? Yeah?  How about this weekend? Yeah? I’m down if you’re down.’  I’ll proceed to copy and past that to every single girl, then I wait and reap the rewards of my labor.”

She then asks me how that was working out.  I respond, “Well after 5 days of doing the exact same thing … I’ve gotten zero responses.”  She explains to me why my method doesn’t work, “You see.  Girls can sense it when you’re just copying and pasting like you do.  They know you’re sending the same message to every other girl, so why should they bother wasting anytime on you when you barely put any time into them?”

“Plus, there’s like 50-100 other guys doing the exact same thing.  Writing these cheesy one-liners hoping to get a response from them.  Of course they’re not going to respond unless they feel that you genuinely find something interesting about them.  You have to differentiate yourself from the others by doing what others aren’t doing.”

I asked her, “So what do you suggest I do?”  She responds, “Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality.  Read a couple of girls’ profile, find one or two that genuinely interests you.  Perhaps the girl is a animal activists or she enjoys photography.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you think it’s cool.  Now comment or approach her, talking about who she is rather than how she looks like in her profile pic.”

I consider it and tell her it’s worth the try.  It’s probably better than my cut-and-pasting one-liners method, so why not.

Next day, I get all excited when I log onto my dating site.  Browsing through all the different profiles, I find an interesting one with the following passage:

You cannot strike fear into a man, who has no one he loves.
You cannot persuade a man, who wants nothing.
You cannot give hope to a man, who has already given up.
You cannot argue with a man, who does not care.
You cannot defeat a man, who has nothing to lose.
So be wary of the man who is empty and alone,
For he has nothing to lose but everything to gain.

I’m thinking to myself, “Wow that’s deep.  I think I will comment on this passage.  It must mean something to her to start off her dating profile with this passage.”

    • Me:
      I am definitely one who is vulnerable to people striking fear into me, who is persuadable, who is open to receiving hope, who is extremely argumentative, who is … wait a minute are you the person who is being written about in the self-summary?
      (my intentions here were to find some common ground and get her to talk about the story behind this quote, if there is one)
    • Her:
      No, a man I dated once. Good guess, though.
    • Me:
      Sounds eventful. I wondered if I inspired any of my exes to write a whole spiel about me. Either that or you’re easily inspired.
      (I figure, either the guy was really bad and made her want to post something about him in her current dating profile.  Or she’s just someone who comes up with deep and thoughtful quotes from trivial and insignificant life events.)
    • Her:
      He was a sociopath… If you are one as well, I’m sure you inspired something. Therapy, perhaps?   I found it on Pinterest. Copy and paste, my friend.  You give him too much credit.
      (Wow!  “If I’m a sociopath as well” … you just going to throw that out there with no concrete evidence proving that I am?  And you’re suggesting therapy for my unconfirmed issues.  Perhaps you are my mother from a different life time?  Since you obviously know what’s best for me.)
    • Me:
      Sociopath? What did he do to deserve such title … perhaps one day you will look back and laugh at how crazy your life was.
      (I was a bit defensive, but I try my best to look past it and just focus on extending the conversation.)
    • Her:
      I don’t care to relive that time in my life. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I thank God every day for the peace in my life.
      I will say he introduced me to this site, which I didn’t know even existed. Quietly observing ever since. I can pick up all the subtle signs now.
      (“You can pick up all these subtle signs now” … like how you concluded I’m a sociopath, after I said 2 lines to you?  Aren’t we a little pre-mature in our character judgment of others?)
    • Me:
      You remind of a Phoenix. From the ashes of death and decay arises a new, vibrant, and powerful life force.
      Subtle signs? Like what?
      (Just keeping the conversation going.  Plus anytime someone says, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”  Usually a simple response such as, “How crazy could that possibly be?”  will get them to open up their whole can of worms for you.)
    • Her:
      Phoenix. That is what it feels like. For many reasons, not just bc of him.
      My mom used to say she could tell just by looking at someone. I didn’t believe her, but she’s right. Even in pictures. Something in their eyes, the line of their mouth, facial expressions, body language. Lack of natural warmth. Hard to describe.
      In conversation, they have an unnatural language pattern. If that’s what you call it. They don’t say what would come naturally in conversation. They don’t have natural emotional responses to things. They’re normal, even charming but very… disjointed.
      Supposedly religious, impressively studied in religious philosophy. But never goes to church. Never has. Doesn’t know the first thing about actual religious practices.
      Works as an admin assistant. Yet has the work and social schedule of a CEO. Daily lunch meetings. Business dinners. Really?? You order toner for the printer…
      Family. They’re close to their family. But family never comes around. Never calls. Never invites them to do anything.
      I’m close to mine. I’m with them almost every day. When I’m not, I’m on the phone w them. Mass text each other funny pics daily. I drop by unannounced. They drop by unannounced. Family.
      Most impressive feature: subtle lies. They lie about things that most people wouldn’t care to lie about. Seems true. Because no one cares to question it. But when you figure out what they are, you recognize every lie.
      • Going to a memorial service.
      Wait, on your BIRTHDAY?
      • Practically runs work organization.
      Director resigns. Not even considered for position.
      • Going to game with the guys.
      Really? My sister and I are going. Cancels plans to go to game.
      • Paid administrative day off to work on grant.
      Goes out all day.
      • Spent day next to grandma in the hospital. No cell phone service.
      Doctors live on cell phones in the hospital.So much more… Hope this kept you entertained!

 

    • Me:
      These subtle signs are definitely much more than I expected to hear when I initially asked. I thought it would be something random. It feels like I’m watching a korean drama unfold while I’m reading your life story.

      And I do appreciate that you shared so much about your past with me. People say sharing is caring … and you definitely shared a lot. I would never want something like this to happen to my friend or family, so I’m going to keep a keen lookout for any shady guys who are trying to pull the same stunt as your guy.
      (Me being genuinely blown away by her story.  It sounds pretty crazy and I wouldn’t know what I’d do if I was in her position.  She’s definitely been through a lot.)

    • Her:
      You implied I was a bit harsh for calling him a sociopath. I do not needlessly insult or call names. I simply call a spade a spade. Hopefully educated you a bit. I pray you never meet one. And if you happen to be one… then it would be unfortunate.
      (I don’t even remember being harsh on her?  But after reading the previous message, I did say something to that effect.  I was simply trying to extend the conversation.  Eh, can’t please everyone all the time.  And here I was just warming up to her and she slips in, “And if you happen to be a sociopath, then it would be unfortunate.”  I’m so glad that you keep on bringing this up, because if I didn’t know I was a sociopath before … I sure do now.  I really appreciate you reminding me whenever you get the chance.)
    • Me:
      Yes you did educate me. I’ll be on the lookout based on your subtle signs. And if I notice that my dating behavior mirrors that of the list you provided, I will quickly check myself into the closest sociopath therapy clinic.
      (Me just playing along and trying to humor her.  Apparently, she still has some stuff going on from her past and has this tendency to call strangers sociopaths.)
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