Category Archives: Funny

Introverts Unite!

I saw this pic on reddit a few weeks back.  (reddit post link)

 

 

Reading the captions made me giggle.  Thinking of how silly introverts are.  Uniting separately in their own homes.  Hehe.

The humor slowly faded when I realized that I am also an introvert.



Introverts + Strangers

As an introvert, I see social gatherings as a challenge.  It takes tremendous willpower, courage, and motivation to get me to go somewhere with a bunch of strangers.  Especially if the expectation at the event is that you should mingle with everyone there.

The way I feel about meeting strangers is similar to people’s mindset when dealing with someone who has the plague.  There is a distaste in your mouth.  Your stomach feels queasy.  You try to keep a distance from them.

With the plague, people have a good reason to act like this.  But with an introvert like myself, what am I so afraid of catching?

If anything, I might catch their infectious enthusiasm, humor, or wisdom.  There’s plenty of awesome people out there who I have yet to meet.

Yet when I’m at an event I always revert to my introverted self.

Perhaps I’m afraid of what people may think of me once we start talking.  At least if I keep to myself, I’ll always be a mystery to them.

Perhaps I have a limit on how many relationships I can juggle at once.  With more people, even if they are just acquaintances, it overburdens my emotional capacity.  Since I’m an introvert and only have a few quality relationships, I go out of my way to protect those few that I do have.  I know how hard it would be to find another one.  So I push others away, to ensure the health of my current relationships.

Perhaps I am a control freak when it comes to my personal space.  At home, I can re-arrange things how I like it.  Everything is predictable when I’m by myself.  Out there, not so much.  I have less control in the real world.  People tend to do things that I least expect.  And I find that extremely intimidating.



Introverts + Family & Friends

I don’t really mind going to places where I know most of the people there like family get-togethers or parties with friends.

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Top 10 Reasons of Why I’m Still Single

1.  I’m gay.

  • My cousin TA told me this.  She said, “A lot of people have been asking me if you’re gay.”  I didn’t ask her who, but I assume it would have to be her friends.  It could also be people in our family too.  I’ve been single for about 10 years, so I can see why they are wondering.  No girlfriend for such a long time, maybe he doesn’t like girls?  It doesn’t help that I enjoy going to gay clubs.  Plus, in my parent’s living room, there’s a picture of me wearing a dress when I was young.  I have to admit, I looked very flattering in that dress.

2.  I hangout with TA too much.

  • This is my mom’s words.  I went on a road trip to New Orleans with my cousin TA in August and when my mom found out, this is what she had to say, “Going out with TA again?  Don’t you know this weekend is Marian Days in Missouri?  Over 60,000 Vietnamese Catholics!!!  I’m sure you can find one single Vietnamese Catholic female there!”  To be frank, my mom does have a point.  TA is the closest thing I have to a best friend.  She’s hilarious, entertaining, and tons of fun.   When you have a bestie like TA, sometimes you forget that you’re still single and supposedly miserable.

3.  My mom is a cock blocker.

  • My dad is referencing to what happened with my very first girlfriend.  She was my first girlfriend, so I fell very hard for her.  I fell so hard that my grades started slipping and I had to drop a course in college.  I was a zombie in love.  Even on days where I’m sick and bed-ridden, I would crawl out of my bed just to visit my girlfriend.  Obviously my mom thought this obsession was unhealthy, so she advised that I take a break from dating and focus more on school.  I broke up with her a couple weeks later and ever since my dad has attributed my  relationship woes to my mom.

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A History Of Flatulence

Definition of Flatulence – flatus expelled through the anus, breaking wind, farting (wikipedia)



Blue Pill or Red Pill?

In the movie Matrix, Morpheus presents Neo with the following proposition:

“You take the blue pill, the story ends.  You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.  You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

I too was presented with a similar choice.

The only difference was my pill was neither blue nor red.



Two-Some

In California, I have a pretty bad reputation because of my gas-passing ability.

In a room full of strangers, my cousin can detect my gas from another’s.  He knows it like the back of his hand.

Another one of my cousin from California, recently told me this, “I miss your farts.”

Really?  Of everything that I am and can do, this is what you remember me by?

Our deep conversations over boba?  Nope.  My infectious laughter?  Nah.  Tearing up the floor with my dance moves?  Never.

In certain people’s mind, I’m just a big, stanky, burst of hot air.

Speaking of the cousin that missed my farts, here’s one of our cherished moments.

My cousin was in his room watching TV.

I walked in sat down and let one out.  (This may sound like a douche bag thing to do, but I seriously didn’t have the urge until I sat down.  Sometimes you don’t feel it, until you’re in a particular position and suddenly the stars are aligned.)

After a couple of seconds, he looked up, pulled his shirt over his nose and said, “Did you fart?”

I was in a very playful mood, so I kept my face straight and said, “No!!!  Did you?”

Now this threw him off.  He’s not sure if he did fart or not.  I mean as far as he could remember he didn’t fart, but he wasn’t 100% confident of that, so that stalled him for awhile.

In the mean time, I thought about the whole situation.  Two people in a room.  One farts, the other one smells it.  It shouldn’t take this long to figure out who did it right?

I couldn’t control myself anymore and started giggling at him.

My cousin caught on and proceeded to bombard me with anything he could get his hands on.



Three-Some

I was in a meeting with three of my co-workers.
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Online Dating: Why I’m A Sociopath

I was talking to my cousin TA about online dating and how unsuccessful I’ve been at it.  She asked me how I approached these girls.

I told her, “Well since there’s like 50 million different profiles … I’ll chose like maybe 20-30 girls that I think are cute.  Then I come up with a great one-liner that will capture their hearts.  Something like, ‘Wow you are so beautiful.  We should go grab coffee sometime.  How does that sound? Yeah?  How about this weekend? Yeah? I’m down if you’re down.’  I’ll proceed to copy and past that to every single girl, then I wait and reap the rewards of my labor.”

She then asks me how that was working out.  I respond, “Well after 5 days of doing the exact same thing … I’ve gotten zero responses.”  She explains to me why my method doesn’t work, “You see.  Girls can sense it when you’re just copying and pasting like you do.  They know you’re sending the same message to every other girl, so why should they bother wasting anytime on you when you barely put any time into them?”

“Plus, there’s like 50-100 other guys doing the exact same thing.  Writing these cheesy one-liners hoping to get a response from them.  Of course they’re not going to respond unless they feel that you genuinely find something interesting about them.  You have to differentiate yourself from the others by doing what others aren’t doing.”

I asked her, “So what do you suggest I do?”  She responds, “Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality.  Read a couple of girls’ profile, find one or two that genuinely interests you.  Perhaps the girl is a animal activists or she enjoys photography.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you think it’s cool.  Now comment or approach her, talking about who she is rather than how she looks like in her profile pic.”

I consider it and tell her it’s worth the try.  It’s probably better than my cut-and-pasting one-liners method, so why not.

Next day, I get all excited when I log onto my dating site.  Browsing through all the different profiles, I find an interesting one with the following passage:

You cannot strike fear into a man, who has no one he loves.
You cannot persuade a man, who wants nothing.
You cannot give hope to a man, who has already given up.
You cannot argue with a man, who does not care.
You cannot defeat a man, who has nothing to lose.
So be wary of the man who is empty and alone,
For he has nothing to lose but everything to gain.

I’m thinking to myself, “Wow that’s deep.  I think I will comment on this passage.  It must mean something to her to start off her dating profile with this passage.”

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Reddit: Girlfriend Logic

Apparently, there are reddit users out there who are sick and tired of their significant other’s self-conflicing behaviors.  

Here is one such behavior:  (reddit link)

 

Apparently this kind of behavior is rampant amongst the reddit community:

  •  One time when I was in the car with my gf, she stopped the car and told me to get out. I handed my coat, got out, and started walking. Next thing I know, she pulls up next to me and starts yelling at me for walking away and making her turn around to come get me, instead of just standing there. mochacho
  •  My wife and I are in our mid to late thirties have been together for almost 10 years. She is a successful small business owner who makes a very comfortable amount of money in let’s say a consultative sales role. And while we don’t fight very often, when we do, she will eventually say, “you know what, somenorcalguy (she calls me by my reddit handle when she gets upset), if that’s the way you feel, then just leave!” And this is a good thing. Because one thing you learn about fighting with your SO as an adult is that you just back the fuck off before you flip your shit and you come back later and talk it out as humans. So when she says, “leave”, I say, “okay” and guess the fuck what – I leave. Now not every time, but about 62.37% of the time when she says, “leave” and I say, “okay” and I leave, she turns around and says, “Typical. Typical somenorcalguy just getting up and leaving and never facing the situation. You know what go. Just go.” This is a trap and there is no right answer. Whatever you do at this point you lose. But you know what, just go. Because as pissed of and as illogical as she is being at this moment, and as irritated as fuck as you must be right now, you always, always walk away and confront your problems will a cool head and a calm heart. Always. ALWAYS. SomeNorCalGuy
  •  Girl I dated once did that to me. We were fighting in the car on the way back to her house and as I pulled up to the house, I said,

    “wait a minute. Stay in the car. Let’s talk about this.”

    She responded with,”no, I’m getting out.”

    “Can I get out of the car and and talk to you?” I said.

    “No! Don’t get out of the car!”

    So I started driving home. Once I got there she called me and said she was aimlessly walking around her neighborhood. (It was about 2am) I told her I was coming to get her. She had cooled down by now and we made up. I took her to get some taco bell because she was hungry and this somehow made her even less angry.

    Then I dropped her off at home again and she said,”don’t ever leave me standing in my driveway again.”

    BITCH, YOU TOLD ME TO STAY IN THE CAR.snakesandthieves

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Speed Dating … Bumps

A long time ago, my brother Henry told me, “Hey you should try speed dating sometime!”

I didn’t really give it much thought until recently.

Saw a link somewhere online for a dating event in the DFW area for about $30-40, so I thought to myself, “Why not?  I ain’t got anything else going on this weekend.”

Signed up for it.

A day before the event, I looked myself in the mirror and said, “Damn it, I look so untidy.  Need a shave.  Both on my face and on my head.”

Then I came to the realization that my appearance shouldn’t be such a big deal.  They should love me for my insides not my outsides.

Started running through my closet for something to wear and it gave me a headache because I never spent more than 5 mins in there.  Here I’ve been dragging myself through my whole wardrobe to pick the perfect outfit.

I settled for slacks, collared t-shirt, a hoodie, and some rock-climbing shoes (they’re really comfortable).

Arrived at the event, which happened to be a casual restaurant, and noticed that 75% of the people there were dressed better than me.

Okay, not the best start, but just go with it.  No way I’m driving home 60 mins to get re-dressed again.

This is my first speed dating event so naturally I was a nervous wreck.  I found a far distant corner and quickly made that little area my nest.

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Reddit: Kiddies Running Away From Home

A trending reddit post today was labeled “Woke up to this note from my 6 year old”. (reddit link)

 

For those of you who can’t read the language of “child lingo”, here is the translation posted by a redditor (Poemi):

Hi Dad,
I ran
away. Just
kidding, I’m
in my
bedroom

Things must’ve gotten pretty serious around the house for a little kid to think of running away from home.  Of course we have some mature redditors sharing their own childhood stories of running away from home:

  1.  I remember I did this once when I was 4. (Except I was serious) I packed a walmart bag with cheese and lived by the tree in my front yard until I got thirsty from all the cheese and came back inside. Those fifteen minutes living on my own helped shape me into the man I am today. (gmrobert123)
  2. I ran away when I was about 9 once. I made the mistake of taking our black lab with me (she was going to catch rabbits for me!).   We lived pretty rural and down a valley, so I got about a kilometer down the road when I heard my dad’s car start up and hid up a tree. Damn dog sat at the bottom of the tree barking at me. Ruined everything.  (sezzeratum)
  3. When I was little, my go-to tantrum threat was “I’LL RUN AWAY!!” one day after me threatening this for the millionth time after I couldn’t have my way, my mum walked into my room and packed a nightgown, and my toothbrush into a little bag, escorted me to the front door and shut me out, with a “good luck”.After 5 minutes of sitting on the doorstep crying, she let me in and I stopped that nonsense forever (Arelien)
  4. I was also a 4 year old run-away. My plans at the time were to live at the end of my street on a patch of grass that divided the main road from the houses. I packed an 8×10 picture of the sacred heart of Jesus it looks like this… http://imgur.com/Viq64r7 Also packed a rosary. And a blanket. Pull ups ( had a slight bed wetting problem) No food.I started to walk down the sidewalk to my new home when my mother came running after me. She asked me where I was going. I remember putting my hands on my hips, tossing my hair back and with all the 4 year old dramatics I could muster said ” I’m outta here, I’m running away”. I can remember my moms face, she wanted to laugh but didn’t…until she opened my “run-away” bag. (badgirlmeat)
  5. Kids these days… I ran away back in 88 when I was four years old. Called my mom the “B” word that I learned from my dad. Packed my Hot Wheels case with all the Hot Wheels that a kid would ever need. Got around the block and got jumped by some black kids in my neighborhood and they jacked my shit… Decided the “Thug Life” wasn’t for me and went back home.  (ImNuttz4Buttz)

Reddit: Drake with NBA Stars

One of the top posts in reddit today is of Drake labeled “Drake looks like the proudest girlfriend”. (reddit link)

I thought this was some kind of joke, but after looking at this pic … it’s true he does look like he could be their girlfriends.

 

Here are some top comments from other redditors:

  • Cause he a good girl and he know it.
  • Best he ever had
  • Overly Attached Drake
  • Good on LeBron, Kobe and the rest of the guys for setting time aside for the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
  • Umso umso umso umso proud of you
  • He’s practicing to be an NBA wife.
    • ain’t no award for that.
      • trophies
  • Drake the type of nigga to drink his beer through a straw.
    • Drake the type of nigga to take a picture of another nigga, take it to the barber and say “this one.”
      • Drake the type of nigga who wipes an eyelash off of his bro’s face and tells him to blow it and make a wish.
        • Drake the type of nigga who chews bubblegum and wraps the telephone cord around his finger.
          • Drake the type of nigga to pull his pants all the way down when taking a piss.
            • Drake the type of nigga that when you catch him looking, he blushes
  • Stuck it in the bottom now I’m queer
    • Stuck it in the bottom, now my whole team fucking here
      • They started on his bottom
        • now his whole team in his rear
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Facebook Chain Statuses

Apparently there is a new facebook chain status floating around.  I didn’t even know it was a thing, until I fell for one.

A couple of days ago, I notice a good amount of my facebook friends posting weird things about themselves or their relationships.

One of the most popular one being … “I’ve just found out I’ve been cheated on for the past 5 months.”

Being the good facebook friend that I am, I started liking their statuses.  Because that’s what good facebook friends do right?

After “liking” 5-10 of those post, I get a message from one of my friends with the following content:

You should not have liked or commented!  Now you have to pick one of the 14 below and post to your status. This is the 2014 breast cancer awareness game. Don’t be a spoil sport, choose your poison, and change your status :
1) Damn diarrhea
2) Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket
3) Anyone have a tampon, I’m out
4) How do you get rid of foot fungus
5) Why is nobody around when I’m horny?
6) No toilet paper goodbye socks!
7)Someone offered me a job as a prostitute but I’m hesitant.
8)I think I’m in love with someone what should I do?
9) I’ve decided 2 stop wearing underwear.
10) I still love my ex.
11) I really don’t know how 2 tell anyone and I’m sick of hiding it I’m gay.
12) Guess it was 2 good 2 b true I’m pregnant.
13) Just won $7000 on a scratchy.
14) I’ve just found out I’ve been cheated on for the past 5 months.

Post with no explanations. Sorry, I fell for it too ! LOL….. Looking forward to your post.

At this moment in time, I’m not too happy that I fell for a trap, but I decide to humor him and post the following status onto my facebook page:  “Just used my (man)boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.”

It got 17 likes.

After it happened I realized the following things …

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FB Status Update: The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree

My brother Nghia Nguyen had this uneasy look on his face and asked me, “Hey you ever get this tightness sensation in your chest?”

Me: “Hmmm, sometimes I get it … but I’m not sure what caused it.”
Nghia: “Yeah, it’s really uncomfortable.”
Me: “Maybe you pulled a muscle or something.”
Nghia: “No it’s definitely not that. I asked Dr Chuong about this sensation and he told me it’s a female thing.”
Me: “What do you mean it’s a female thing.”
Nghia: “Well, Dr Chuong say’s that girls have hormones that concentrate around their chest area.”
Me: “Yeah, that’s where their boobies are.”
Nghia: “Exactly.”
Me: “You do realize that we don’t have boobies right?”
Nghia: “Dr. Chuong say’s the painful sensation in your chest is related to the fact that we lack boobies.”
Me: “Are you trying to say that this pain I get in my chest is my female hormones yearning to develop into nice firm breasts?”
Nghia: “That sounds nasty, but it’s pretty close to what Dr. Chuong said.”
Me: “And you just admitted that you had this pain in your chest, so that means you’re going to have big boobies!!!”
Nghia: “Nooo. Not me. What? So did you!”
Me: ” … I don’t remember admitting to having any chest pains …”
Nghia: “Liar!”

So my brother just admitted to me that he has chest pains and that the cause of the pain is his female hormones going haywire on him.

Not the most masculine thing that has came out of Nghia’s mouth.

Now I don’t know if I should believe anything Dr. Chuong tells me anymore.

How can he tell my brother something like this?

Even if it’s true, I wouldn’t want to hear that about myself.

Couldn’t Dr. Chuong have said something like, “Oh yeah that pain, it’s your inner Hulk trying to break free.”

Discovering female hormones inside of him could traumatize Nghia for the rest of his life.

He could end up being like me when he’s over 30.

And nobody wants that, because the world ain’t big enough for two Thao’s.

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