Tag Archives: car

FB Status Update: Booty Bumping

I was reading an e-book in my car when all of a sudden my whole car started to shake.

My first reaction was, “Oh sh*t, earthquake!!!”

Then I realized I’m in Texas and Texans don’t do earthquakes, we do tornadoes and hail.

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw this mini-van all up against my rear bumper.

“Oh great, someone just booty bumped me. Well their loss is my gain. Either we settle with cash or I’m going to get myself a brand new rear bumper.”

I wait until they park. No way am I endangering my life by walking out there while they’re still behind the wheel.

If they can’t avoid my Toyota Matrix, what makes you think they’ll avoid me?

I wait … they drive up a lil’ and I noticed it’s an Asian lady.

I wait even more … she backs up again.

“Are you serious? Do you want bump me again? Is this a game to you, you sick Asian lady?”

This time she manages not to hit me, and I realize the only reason she reversed again was to survey the damage.

She has the nerve to check out my damaged goods. Apparently she doesn’t see any real damage done and about to speed away.

I realized, “Oh crap!!! She’s going to make a getaway. If I’m ever going to make her responsible, I’d better get out now.”

Despite knowing exactly what to do, I didn’t do it. I stayed in my car and watched her go.

Here is the reason why:

A long time ago, when I was really young, unapologetically stupid, and extremely good looking. When all I ever did was drugs and sleep around with amazingly good-looking super-models.

I think it was about two weekends ago …

I too was a hit-and-runner. I was making a turn and scratched the side of my Toyota Matrix against the rear bumper of a huge truck. Of course the truck was un-damaged.

I could’ve left a note, but I didn’t. I was too scared. I just surveyed the damage like the Asian Lady and made a run for it. Lucky for me no one was around.

Perhaps this is karma. Now I know how it feels to have somebody ram their thing up my rear.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, I tell you!

Well at least I’ve finally found my closure. I can finally move on with my life now.


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Putting Yourself Back Together

I’ve been single for a while, but I have my moments of weakness for the opposite sex.

What that really means is, I’m crushing.

Crushing for me happens easily, especially when I don’t know that person well.  I just happen to see them every now and then because they are a friend of a friend … of a friend.

So they’re not really a friend, but rather an acquaintance.  It’s easy for me to admire someone, if I don’t have the slightest idea of who they are.  They possess a “dark and mysterious” trait that piques my interest in them.

What makes this crush even more enticing then previous crushes is … I probably shouldn’t be crushing on her.  Let’s just say, the more time I spend crushing on this person … the deeper the hole I dig for myself.  And one day, I’ll be the one who has to pick myself after falling into this deep hole.

Let’s just say that if this whole situation was based on the Twilight series, she would be Bella.  I would be playing Jacob, not Edward.  Sadly the role of Edward has already been filled.

Having said that, I can’t help it.  I can’t help it that every single time we hangout in groups, there’s always some type of interaction between us that makes me feel like I’m falling for her again.

Even though I know I shouldn’t be falling for her.  Even though I told myself the day before that, I’m not going to go weak for her again.

I’ll go hangout in the group.  Me and her will have our moments of joking around, talking, and some harmless flirting.  It’s not even noticeable to the the group.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even realize I’m crushing on her.

But I am.

And what usually happens after the group hangout is I spend the next days just mesmerized by those brief moments of interactions that we had.  Sometimes it can last more than a week.

I replay every shared moment, every word that was exchanged, every single sound of her laughter.  It’s the only way I can keep the moment from ending, even though it already ended the moment we said, “See ya later.”

I will say this though.  The quicker I learn to get over her and move on with my life.  The sooner everything goes back to normal.  No matter what happens between us during the group hangout, life always goes back to the way it was before we hanged out.

I actually dread every group hangout in which I know she will be there.  I should be excited, but how can I be excited about falling for someone who I know can’t workout?

So I dread it.  I build walls leading up to the group hangout.

It’s similar knowing that you will get into a car crash tomorrow.  Doesn’t matter what you do, in the end you’re destined to crash. You can put off driving, but somehow you will be pulled into it.

Since not crashing isn’t an option, you protect yourself beforehand.  You wear a helmet every time you drive.  You place pillows all around you to absorb the impact.  You double the strength of your seat belt.

The logic behind this is … if I know it’s coming, and I can’t prevent, why not put myself in the best situation possible to deal with the crash.  The best situation possible being one where I don’t get hurt as much.  I may end up crashing hard on this person, but the crash doesn’t have to leave me helpless and vulnerable for days to come.

Which sounds kind of crazy.

Because what it really means is, I’m actually trying to get over her … even before we actually hangout.  I’m already prepping myself for the fall, even before it happens.

Most people would just deal with it as it happens, but I’m actually dealing with it before it happens.  Based on history, I’ve learned that the moment it happens … my world gets turned upside so fast … I don’t even realize that I’m crashing.

It takes me a while to do a reality check and tell myself, “Yeah, you need to get over her dude.”

And even then, I might resist the reality check.  I’m quite stubborn sometimes.

I will bare witness to one thing though … my plan is actually working better then expected.

The more I prepare myself before the crash, the quicker I find myself moving on.

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