Tag Archives: situation

Not Even Here

I’ve been hanging with my friends often.

And more than once, someone has said following to me:

“You know, I don’t even notice you are here man.

It’s like you’re not even here.

You okay man?”



And I usually answer with:

“Yeh, I’m perfectly fine, nothing wrong here.”

With a big smile.

They usually go back to talking and socializing with everyone.

And I go back to my own reserved, quiet self.



I’m reading this book called “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.

It says that everyone is trying so hard to stand out and differentiate themselves from everybody else.

We are obsessed with wearing the newest brands.

We try to get into exclusive events.

We strive to be the center of everyone’s attention.



There’s nothing wrong with feeling special and different, because everyone is special and different.

But when it becomes compulsive and you start to feel inferior when others don’t notice you.

Then perhaps there is a problem lurking beneath the surface.

The author prescribes the following to remedy the incessant need to always standout.

Do the opposite of standing out.



Blend in, don’t try so hard to stand out, be there without drawing attention to you.

The trick is to do it willingly.

There will be a part of you that rebels and say’s this is wrong.

It will make you feel extremely uncomfortable.

It won’t allow you to just blend it.



Of course you will meet resistance.

You’ve spent your whole life being brain-washed by everyone that standing out is better than blending in.

All that thinking become habitualized.

Your job is to program your brain to think otherwise.

And that just means continuous repetition of the newest message, until that too becomes a habit.



The power in willingly wanting to blend in communicates the following message:

That it is perfectly fine not to stand out all the time.

That you are loved just the way you are whether everyone is giving you attention or not.

That you being who you are right now is perfect, without the need of trying to be more.

Everything is already good and even if I don’t do anything at this moment, everything will continue to be good.



This is what I’ve been practicing in the company of friends.

Just being quiet until I’m spoken to.

Not needing to dominate the conversation with others to show how knowledgeable I am.

Allowing others to have their moment in the spotlight without feeling inferior or envious of them.

Being okay with losing an argument, even if it make me look bad in front of people I think highly of.



In the end, what this looks live from the outside is me not even there.

But inside, I am there.

I know exactly what’s happening on the outside and the inside.

I can freely choose to communicate without needing to stand out.

If the situation doesn’t require anything of me, I’m perfectly fine with just blending in.



It’s okay to stand out.

But it is equally okay to not stand out.

It shouldn’t be a sin to blend in.

But it can be a sin, if we make it into our own personal sin.

We are always love-able whether we decide to stand out or blend in.

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Putting Yourself Back Together

I’ve been single for a while, but I have my moments of weakness for the opposite sex.

What that really means is, I’m crushing.

Crushing for me happens easily, especially when I don’t know that person well.  I just happen to see them every now and then because they are a friend of a friend … of a friend.

So they’re not really a friend, but rather an acquaintance.  It’s easy for me to admire someone, if I don’t have the slightest idea of who they are.  They possess a “dark and mysterious” trait that piques my interest in them.

What makes this crush even more enticing then previous crushes is … I probably shouldn’t be crushing on her.  Let’s just say, the more time I spend crushing on this person … the deeper the hole I dig for myself.  And one day, I’ll be the one who has to pick myself after falling into this deep hole.

Let’s just say that if this whole situation was based on the Twilight series, she would be Bella.  I would be playing Jacob, not Edward.  Sadly the role of Edward has already been filled.

Having said that, I can’t help it.  I can’t help it that every single time we hangout in groups, there’s always some type of interaction between us that makes me feel like I’m falling for her again.

Even though I know I shouldn’t be falling for her.  Even though I told myself the day before that, I’m not going to go weak for her again.

I’ll go hangout in the group.  Me and her will have our moments of joking around, talking, and some harmless flirting.  It’s not even noticeable to the the group.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even realize I’m crushing on her.

But I am.

And what usually happens after the group hangout is I spend the next days just mesmerized by those brief moments of interactions that we had.  Sometimes it can last more than a week.

I replay every shared moment, every word that was exchanged, every single sound of her laughter.  It’s the only way I can keep the moment from ending, even though it already ended the moment we said, “See ya later.”

I will say this though.  The quicker I learn to get over her and move on with my life.  The sooner everything goes back to normal.  No matter what happens between us during the group hangout, life always goes back to the way it was before we hanged out.

I actually dread every group hangout in which I know she will be there.  I should be excited, but how can I be excited about falling for someone who I know can’t workout?

So I dread it.  I build walls leading up to the group hangout.

It’s similar knowing that you will get into a car crash tomorrow.  Doesn’t matter what you do, in the end you’re destined to crash. You can put off driving, but somehow you will be pulled into it.

Since not crashing isn’t an option, you protect yourself beforehand.  You wear a helmet every time you drive.  You place pillows all around you to absorb the impact.  You double the strength of your seat belt.

The logic behind this is … if I know it’s coming, and I can’t prevent, why not put myself in the best situation possible to deal with the crash.  The best situation possible being one where I don’t get hurt as much.  I may end up crashing hard on this person, but the crash doesn’t have to leave me helpless and vulnerable for days to come.

Which sounds kind of crazy.

Because what it really means is, I’m actually trying to get over her … even before we actually hangout.  I’m already prepping myself for the fall, even before it happens.

Most people would just deal with it as it happens, but I’m actually dealing with it before it happens.  Based on history, I’ve learned that the moment it happens … my world gets turned upside so fast … I don’t even realize that I’m crashing.

It takes me a while to do a reality check and tell myself, “Yeah, you need to get over her dude.”

And even then, I might resist the reality check.  I’m quite stubborn sometimes.

I will bare witness to one thing though … my plan is actually working better then expected.

The more I prepare myself before the crash, the quicker I find myself moving on.

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