The Bystander, The Consumer, & The Creator

In a book by Deepak Chopra, I remember reading the author explaining the 3 ways of experiencing life. You either experience life as a bystander, consumer, or creator.

For example, the sun rises every morning.

For most of us, we don’t even care about it. We have a billion other things on our plate. We’ve witnessed the sun rising millions of times. Today is no different.

For others who do care, they set about 30 mins once in a while to take in the view of a new day unfolding. There is something magical about seeing something so grand, warm, and beautiful rise out of the sky everyday.

For a select few, out there the sight of the sun provides an inspiration for something we are doing. We take in the beautiful sight of the sun and that pushes us to use the sun for our new company logo.

…
…
…

Life is amazing but most of us spend it as a bystander. We simply are too busy to appreciate all the simple things in life. There is not much in life for us. Life becomes boring and stressful as a bystander.

From time to time, we may stop to smell of fresh flowers or call up an old friend to catch up. Now we are simply consuming what life has to give. We learn that it feels good to take. Life becomes good and cheery.

Finally, there are moments in our life where we are inspired or motivated by the world. We seek expression through our work or hobbies. We learn that it feels even better to give back. Life becomes purposeful and fulfilling.

There is a cycle in life. Things exist and happen. We can ignore it and leave it alone. Or we can open ourselves up and embrace it. You can then take what you have received and find a way to express it to the world. It can be a meal, a blog, a song, a dance, or a letter.

Once you have created something, you now give others the opportunity to consume something new in the world. From something that has already been created, you have found a way to create something completely new for the world to admire. The have completed the cycle of life.

Not Even Here

I’ve been hanging with my friends often.

And more than once, someone has said following to me:

“You know, I don’t even notice you are here man.

It’s like you’re not even here.

You okay man?”

…
…
…

And I usually answer with:

“Yeh, I’m perfectly fine, nothing wrong here.”

With a big smile.

They usually go back to talking and socializing with everyone.

And I go back to my own reserved, quiet self.

…
…
…

I’m reading this book called “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.

It says that everyone is trying so hard to stand out and differentiate themselves from everybody else.

We are obsessed with wearing the newest brands.

We try to get into exclusive events.

We strive to be the center of everyone’s attention.

…
…
…

There’s nothing wrong with feeling special and different, because everyone is special and different.

But when it becomes compulsive and you start to feel inferior when others don’t notice you.

Then perhaps there is a problem lurking beneath the surface.

The author prescribes the following to remedy the incessant need to always standout.

Do the opposite of standing out.

…
…
…

Blend in, don’t try so hard to stand out, be there without drawing attention to you.

The trick is to do it willingly.

There will be a part of you that rebels and say’s this is wrong.

It will make you feel extremely uncomfortable.

It won’t allow you to just blend it.

…
…
…

Of course you will meet resistance.

You’ve spent your whole life being brain-washed by everyone that standing out is better than blending in.

All that thinking become habitualized.

Your job is to program your brain to think otherwise.

And that just means continuous repetition of the newest message, until that too becomes a habit.

…
…
…

The power in willingly wanting to blend in communicates the following message:

That it is perfectly fine not to stand out all the time.

That you are loved just the way you are whether everyone is giving you attention or not.

That you being who you are right now is perfect, without the need of trying to be more.

Everything is already good and even if I don’t do anything at this moment, everything will continue to be good.

…
…
…

This is what I’ve been practicing in the company of friends.

Just being quiet until I’m spoken to.

Not needing to dominate the conversation with others to show how knowledgeable I am.

Allowing others to have their moment in the spotlight without feeling inferior or envious of them.

Being okay with losing an argument, even if it make me look bad in front of people I think highly of.

…
…
…

In the end, what this looks live from the outside is me not even there.

But inside, I am there.

I know exactly what’s happening on the outside and the inside.

I can freely choose to communicate without needing to stand out.

If the situation doesn’t require anything of me, I’m perfectly fine with just blending in.

…
…
…

It’s okay to stand out.

But it is equally okay to not stand out.

It shouldn’t be a sin to blend in.

But it can be a sin, if we make it into our own personal sin.

We are always love-able whether we decide to stand out or blend in.

Girlfriend Material Vs Boyfriend Material

I was hanging around with some of my friends and one of them said, “Hey, Anh Thao you would make a great girlfriend.”

I was taken aback.

Did she just said what I think she said? Maybe she meant a great boyfriend. I could definitely feel good about that.

I wanted to make sure she meant to say girlfriend, so I clarify, “Did you just say I would make a great girlfriend?”

She responds, “Yes. Like for slumber parties. You’re very neutral. You blend in well.”

I definitely regret getting clarification, because without a doubt she meant it.

I guess the positive side to this is, I wouldn’t mind attending a slumber party where everyone is wearing panties. I would bring my tighty whitey’s.

…
…
…

Her comment really got me thinking and in some ways it makes sense.

First of all, people say I’m super feminine for a guy and for the longest time I didn’t even notice it about myself. But now I admit that I am.

I enjoy pampering myself with bubble baths, massages, and trips to kingspa. I enjoy shopping and dressing myself up. I spend way too much time checking myself in the mirror.

Second of all, I notice I love the company of ladies over guys any day.

It’s not because I find girls cute and want to be surrounded by hot, sexy ladies all the time.

I find that when you talk with a girl one-on-one, they are more likely to open up to you. And I’m addicted to that.

Its really interesting because with a good amount of my “girl” friends, I know them two different ways. I know them based on a group setting and a one-on-one setting.

It’s almost like know two different people. I know that I act different in group settings as opposed to one-on-one and so do they. Some of my “girl” friends, I don’t even talk to them in a group setting. We only do one-on-ones and treat each other like acquaintances in group settings.

I also notice that with certain people, I am more comfortable revealing certain aspects of myself that I wouldn’t with someone else.

All this translate to a myriad of friendships, sometimes with the same person.

…
…
…

Another thing I notice about guys is I tend to bond with them as long as we are doing something.

Guys don’t sit down and talk about emotions, feelings, worries, or things you hide deep inside of you. Guys sit down and talk about sports, job, money, cars, … anything except what’s deep inside.

Guys enjoy companionship, but only when it directed toward a goal. For instance, I notice I connect really well with guys when we are playing volleyball. Whether we win or lose, the act of working together through wins or losses, creates a relationship that can’t be replicated anywhere else.

Girls on the other hand, don’t need to be doing anything. Girls just need to know that you will listen and that you won’t share their secrets with the whole world. If you can do those two things, most girls will open up to you.

…
…
…

Once girls open up to you, there’s almost no boundaries to what they will share. Insecurities, worries, anger, jealousy, frustration, … anything that goes inside a woman’s intellect and emotions.

Talking to girls, I feel like I’m allowed into a very dark and deep place inside their soul.

It feels good to be trusted on that level and it doesn’t happen every time you sit down and talk with them.

I have sat next girls who have broke down crying talking about their boyfriends or ex-boyfriends. Sometimes I don’t even know what to say, but I’ve learned that saying nothing is usually the best response.

They mainly need someone there to listen.

…
…
…

I guess my friend knew what she was talking about when she said I would make a great girlfriend. I just never heard anyone say that to me, so I was surprised.

First admitting that I’m feminine and now that I’m great girlfriend material … what’s next … sex change?

Right Vs Wrong

Everybody who is anybody believes that they are right.

And in order for them to be right, somebody has to be wrong.

It’s a given. Two sides of every coin.

Most of us can’t argue w/ facts, so anyone who knows their facts is on pretty solid ground.

But facts can change too.

People once believed the world is flat. Well it’s not flat, it’s round.
People once believed that atoms are solid. Atoms are mostly made out of empty space.
People once believed that space travel is impossible. Now space travel is very possible.

Our world is always changing. What we hold true and to be non-debatable fact one day has the potential to be something different another day.

That is life.

So what’s the point of trying so hard to be right?

…
…
…

Right/Wrong thinking encourages everyone to be close minded.

“I’m right, you’re wrong. No more discussion.”

“There is only one way to do this and only I have the key.”

“You have to choose between yes/no. There is no in between.”

To be right all the time takes enormous energy and your constantly under pressure. You can’t relax or you might falter and make a mistake.

What’s so wrong with being wrong from time to time?

It proves that you are human.

Being right all the times means you are perfect.

Perfection is no fun, when its all the time.

…
…
…

Sometimes people are so stuck on being right that it ruins their relationship.

People are so obsessed on being so right, that they would rather lose out on a relationship.

“I don’t care if you want to leave me. You know that I’m right on this argument.”

To them being right is more important than maintaining the relationship.

…
…
…

Religions are famous for Right/Wrong thinking.

“I’m right. You guys are wrong.”

“Do what I say and you will prosper and go to heaven. Don’t do what I say and you will suffer and go to hell.”

“I know what I’m talking about. Everyone else doesn’t.”

In a way, religions have done a better job at alienating others then they have in including people.

People have been persecuted based on religious beliefs. Wars have been justified because of religion. Families have been separated because of religious beliefs.

I’m not saying religion is bad.

All I’m saying when you look back at the history of religion, you can’t help but wonder “Where is the love?”

…
…
…

What people don’t realize is that Right/Wrong thinking is responsible crimes, wars, and injustice in the world.

The Vietnamese Communists believed that they are right and that everyone is wrong. They are not open to the fact that perhaps communism isn’t good for the whole country. They won’t consider what the majority want, but only what the select few are interested in. They are closed off and nothing is up for debate.

Hitler firmly believed that he was right and everyone was wrong. He persecuted all Jews. Took over neighboring nations. Established concentration camps that de-humanized men, women, girls, and boys. It took the whole world to intervene with physical force to set Hitler in his place.

Evil happens when people always think they are right and no one every challenges them. Discussion is closed. There is only one way. Many have to suffer in order for a few to prosper.

…
…
…

Good happens when people are humble enough to admit that they may be wrong and they are constantly being challenged by others. Discussions are open. There can be many ways to do it and you have the option to chose the best one. Everybody works hard, but everyone also benefits.

Since right/wrong can change from moment to moment, why put so much time, energy, and effort in who is right/wrong.

If I admit that I was wrong for stealing, I allow change to happen. I admit my fault and welcome discussion on how we all can contribute to my success.

If I keep on coming up w/ excuses on why its ok to steal. Sooner or later my past catches up to me. I get into deep trouble that may be impossible to right.

Its ok to be right. Its also ok to be wrong.

Let’s just not get too obsessed about it that we become closed to what the world is trying to tell us.

Hereditary Habits

Besides passing along certain genes to you as a parent, they also pass on habits to you. This is done easily because as a child you grow up looking up to your parents.  For most of your life, they are the only model you have to base your own actions and reactions by.

This is both good and bad, because as a parent they would love for you to pickup on everything they do positively.  At the same time, they would love for you not to pick up on everything they do negatively.  The interesting thing is they can’t program you to do only one.

As much as your parents would love to assume that you didn’t hear them cuss during the traffic jam.  Or see you lie to your spouse about how much you spent at the store today.  You, as a child see all of this, and in one way or another it gets programmed into your mind.

You absorb it all, both good and bad habits.  Many people just accept the fact that they have all these traits which most likely came from being around their parents.  While others absolutely hate it and will even go to the opposite extreme of the habit.

For example, let’s say your mom is a hoarder.  She hoards everything from clothes, to food, to plastic containers and even old electronic devices.  You grow up with absolutely no space for your own and nothing but antique electronics that no one in their right mind would want.

You develop a mindset that is the complete opposite of your mom.  “Why do I need so many things and why can’t I be happy with nothing.”  “I never want to grow up being like my mom.”

Suddenly you start to categorize yourself as a minimalist.  You don’t need anything.  Just the bare essentials.

And you start shunning anyone who you deem to possess hoarding traits.  “I grew up with a hoarding mom my whole life and was miserable because of it.  I’m not going to re-live that nightmare with you.”

You expect the whole world to embrace this new you.  Who is actually created from the interacting with your mother your whole life.  The new you is based on the opposite of who your mother is.

In general, pertaining to our parent’s habits, we will do one of three things:

1. Accept them as who we are and just let their habits be our habits.
2. Not accept them, push them away, hate it, and even go to the opposite extreme of the habit.
3. Become oblivious to it and not even notice it having an effect on us.  For some it may still have an effect, despite their lack of knowledge of the habits.

Personally, I recommend none of these options.  My recommendation is trying to find a happy medium between who your parents’ habits and the extreme opposite of the habit.

Being a hoarder does has it’s positive.  Why else would your mother do it?  People actually recommend buying products in bulk, storing them at home, and using them as needed.

Buying in bulk saves you money because they are usually priced cheaper then individual packaged items.  Buying in bulk also saves you time and gas from all the visits you would’ve made to the store had you gotten the items in individual packages.

At the same time, being a minimalist also has benefits to it too.  You never buy things that end up in your closet or garage like the newest exercise machine that promises to make you look like a super model.  Money and space is saved.

The goal is to embrace both sides and learn when is the best time to apply each habit.  Living on a budget, it’s not wise to buy things cheap, hoard them at home, and never use them.  At the same time, as a business owner you can’t expect revenue to come in when you’re not willing to spend money on marketing and re-modeling.

There is a reason and a season for everything in life.  It is up to you to make the best out of what is given to you.  And what is given to most of us is hereditary habits.